Dethrone the Dastardly Dicks

Welcome to the Alaska Sailing Club 2022 Pirate Race!

As many a confounded pirate may remember, a carefully crafted alliance between Wyatt and Owen Dicks (the “Dastardly Dicks”) and the infamous Folds Clan won the day at last year’s Pirate Race. The allied buccaneers traded their combined haul of gold nuggets, pirate jewelry, and a bottle of Old Hornswoggle’s Rum for the coveted Golden Skull and thereby claimed the mantle of the most feared pirates of Big Lake.

Alas, pirate alliances are made to be broken, and the Folds Clan has absconded with the Golden Skull on a nefarious mission to the Lower Fortiate Islands, leaving Big Lake bereft of its most fabled treasure. This act of betrayal has also left the Dastardly Dicks vulnerable to the predation of fellow pirates looking for their next big prize.

The Dicks are well aware of their current current vulnerability, and have therefore hired a notorious band of buccaneers to guard their treasure. This motley crew of pirate has-beens includes Black Nancy, Geoff “Lobster Legs” Wright, Cathy “the Culinary Cutlass”, and the famed Captain Darren McKracken, who is rumored to be half man and half sea-beast.

Your Mission

Steal the Dastardly Dicks’ most valued possession: the Treasure of Captain Kidd. By acquiring this prize you will have achieved enough wealth for a life of easy leisure and proved yourself the greatest and most feared pirate on Big Lake!

To complete your mission, you’ll need to find the following:

  • A cache of jewelry
  • Two navigational aids: a compass and a spyglass

The jewelry, the spyglass, and the compass are located on the water around the islands to the west of the Alaska Sailing Club.

You’ll need the jewelry to exploit the Dicks’ most obvious weakness. They are notoriously miserly, and failed to pay enough for competent guards. This means that you can easily bribe the guards to provide a crude map with a location of the Dicks’ buried treasure. Once you have the map, a compass, and a spyglass you should have all you need to secure the booty. For a small added bribe, the guards might even supply you with a shovel!

The official Reading of the Rules will occur at 2:00 PM on Saturday in front of the ASC Clubhouse, and the race will immediately follow. Pirate attire is encouraged but by not means required. Bilge-pump style water cannons are also encouraged, and most experienced Pirates favor “Stream Machine” brand cannons. The QF-2000 is ideal for long range assaults, and you can’t beat the DB-1500 for completely dousing your fellow pirates at close range!

The Side Quest

Also, rumors are swirling that their may be one last bottle of Old Hornswoggle Rum floating somewhere on Big Lake. If you’re able to secure the rum and provide it to the guards, they will likely give your the hand-made Pirate sign pictured above as an expression of their gratitude.

The Rules

  1. All participating pirates must wear a life jacket for the full duration of the race whether they are one the water, on the docks, or on the shore.
  2. Any sailable boat is eligible to participate in the Pirate Race.
  3. Boat can be propelled by wind, oars, paddles, rocking, skulling, or even swimmers. Boats may not use engines or underwater peddle propulsion.
  4. As a result of a dyslexic mistake by the Dastardly Dicks, boats on port tack have right of way over boats on starboard tack. All other normal right of way rules apply.
  5. Each boat with any treasure on board must trail an empty water bottle behind their boat using 15’ of line. The line and water bottles will be supplied by the Council of Wise Old Seadogs, so you don’t need to bring your own.
  6. If any competing boat touches your trailing bottle, you must immediately and peacefully surrender all treasure on your boat. Once your treasure is surrendered and the competing boat is moved off to a safe distance, you must complete two full 360 degree circles before you can steal from another boat.
  7. Mayhem and treachery are par for the course in a Pirate Race, but the safety and well-being of your fellow pirates is paramount!
  8. All normal rules of racing apply. Boats under sail have right of way over boats using paddles. In addition, if one boat fouls another, it must complete a 720 and forfeit all treasure to the aggrieved boat.
  9. Following last year’s surprising tactical innovation, multi-boat teams are now officially allowed! But be aware the pirates are rarely reliable partners, and the full team must be present when the treasure is unearthed in order to claim victory.
  10. Race officials are always willing to consider trading clues for a sufficiently generous bribe.
  11. No water balloons allowed! Both diving ducks and fish mistake them for food, and the balloon are fatal to both. Pirates are a dastardly lot, but they do love birds and fish!

After the Race

We’ll have a “Pirate / Caribbean” themed potluck after the race. And don’t forget to bring a change of dry clothes. You’ll need ‘em!






One response to “Dethrone the Dastardly Dicks”

  1. Janet Avatar

    That’s an amazing, amusing, awesome invitation!

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